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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26152201">The Bright Darkness Of My Desert</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isabelu_u/pseuds/Isabelu_u'>Isabelu_u</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Edgeless Melody [12]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Thunderbolt Fantasy 東離劍遊紀 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Lang crossing the desert, M/M, Physical Abuse, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, it has a hopeful ending at least!, lang has a breakdown as he understands shang really left this time, lang is dealing with a lot, ling ya best emotional support, mentioned physical abuse from his childhood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:09:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,183</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26152201</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isabelu_u/pseuds/Isabelu_u</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>How does he fight now? When everything is so incredibly dark and he feels so alone? When this desert drinks his tears and awaits his surrender to feed on him too?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rou Fu You | Làng Wū Yáo/Sho Fu Kan | Shāng Bù Huàn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Edgeless Melody [12]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1209291</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Bright Darkness Of My Desert</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/colorfulcharades/gifts">colorfulcharades</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He's been walking for a while now, following the soft steps drawn on the sand. Hoping these might belong to the one he's seeking. He's been trailing shadows all day, wishing for at least a silhouette in the distance, but the horizon is bathed in clear moonlight like everything else, and he's alone in this desert. He's alone. </p><p> </p><p>Ling Ya sees his tired face, and even if he wants to speak just looking at his eyes makes him stay silent. It's so easy to tell, that any sound could break this delicate equilibrium inside him, this horrendous scream held tight between his lips. </p><p> </p><p>He doesn't dare be the one to push him into this reality. </p><p> </p><p>And Lang doesn't dare jump inside it either. </p><p> </p><p>His feet hurt, he really doesn't remember exactly for how long he's been walking behind him. He knows he started the second he noticed the empty bed, the minute he walked outside the inn, the hour in which he was told they saw him walking towards the desert alone. </p><p> </p><p>He hasn't shed a tear since then. </p><p> </p><p>There's no need to. He'll find him soon. He's going to walk to him, and like in the past, Shang will return, meeting him halfway like always, crying in fear like always, promising forever like always. Lang knows, yet the night just keeps getting darker. </p><p> </p><p>Moonlight is still shining so bright, and it seems to be trying to show Lang the delicate process in which the wind's hands shape the desertic landscape at night. Far away, so far away, Lang can see the curves and lines in the dunes changing with such natural ease, as if they were just ready to accept the new form, as if they knew they're part of the most extraordinary challenging labyrinth there could ever exist. </p><p> </p><p>And even in this impeccable light, this night is the darkest Lang has ever lived. </p><p> </p><p>
  <i>I wish my heart… could melt into this desert too… </i>
</p><p> </p><p>The thought comes to Lang as if to awake him </p><p> </p><p>
  <i>I wish my soul… like this sacred sand… could handle this wind's touch without breaking </i>
</p><p> </p><p>It's trying to awake the tears. </p><p> </p><p>And they just start flowing softly, calmly down his cheeks, soundlessly into the sand. </p><p> </p><p>In a matter of seconds, his legs are too weak to keep him standing. Fast, hurtful thoughts louder than thunder keep whirling inside his mind and his lungs start battling for every mouthful of air. </p><p> </p><p>The tears start taking over. </p><p> </p><p>He falls on his knees, feeling like he wants to throw up. The waves of distress just keep getting harder, he can only feel his body reacting to them, fighting to breathe through them. The pressure in his head makes Lang wish it could explode right this moment, that he could just tear it open with these hands that keep pressing on his face to make this breakdown stop. But he can't. </p><p> </p><p>It's so scary that he can’t. </p><p> </p><p>It makes him feel like he was playing with something very delicate inside himself and now it's broken. </p><p> </p><p>And if it were just the tears it'd be easier, but the pressure that was eating him alive was inside the words that kept repeating in his head. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <i>"He used you", "he got bored of you", "you were not good enough", "you will never be". </i>
</p><p> </p><p>He knows that can't be his Shang, he knows it can't be him, yet how can Lang fight these words that kept coming at him since he's able to remember?. The voices of hate that would've made him jump to his death as a child if it hadn't been for Ling Ya were now speaking loudly, claiming everything in him again. </p><p> </p><p>Voices that kept sounding like his mother, that engraved so deep inside his soul that he would never be anyone worth of praise or love. </p><p> </p><p>Those that Shang had stopped. The hate he had replaced with Shang's love. </p><p> </p><p>How does he fight now? When everything is so incredibly dark and he feels so alone? When this desert drinks his tears and awaits his surrender to feed on him too? </p><p> </p><p>He feels his hand start hitting on the side of his head as he cries, and in every punch he feels the pressure a bit lighter, and he feels he deserves it. </p><p> </p><p>He deserves every punch. </p><p> </p><p>
  <i>"Stop!"</i>
</p><p> </p><p>The voice comes from behind him </p><p> </p><p>
  <i>"I know it hurts Lang, but we've been through this, it's a rule we have" </i>
</p><p> </p><p>And Lang remembers a night, age 6 or 7, when he was hitting his head against the wall in a corner of their home after he broke a small pot his mom liked. He thought that if she saw him hitting himself when she returned she wouldn't hit him again, and yet at that moment he heard the voice of that demon that turned out to be his first friend. </p><p> </p><p>
  <i>"Hey! Don't do that!" </i>
</p><p>It stopped Lang in total fear, but he was getting used to trying to speak with the unknown voice, so he asked </p><p> </p><p>
  <i>"Why? I made a mistake" </i>
</p><p>Lang couldn't find a flaw in his logic. </p><p> </p><p>
  <i>"Look, I know it hurts now, but it will hurt even worse if we get used to this, understand? Let's make it a rule, yes?" </i>
</p><p> </p><p>Lang heard the words and still couldn't understand why this would hurt more than his mom's punishment, but he decided to accept the rule. He couldn't understand why he cried so much as he accepted it either. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He sees now how Ling Ya is on his back looking at him as if staring at that child that day, and Lang notices that emotionally he really hasn't moved too much from that day.  </p><p> </p><p>The labyrinth was so endless, he was so alone for so long. </p><p> </p><p>It only started making sense when he found him. </p><p> </p><p>
  <i>"I can't… do it alone" </i>
</p><p>He manages to breathe out the whisper harshly through the soft constant weeping he's been in since Ling Ya spoke. </p><p> </p><p>
  <i>"And you won't"</i>
</p><p> His dear friend answers</p><p>
  <i>"We have a desert to cross, but we're not alone, Lang" </i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He stares back at his friend’s words, wonders when was the last time he heard him determined like this. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <i>"You know that reckless idiot better than me… no matter where he is he will need help, he will need you, Lang" </i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>His emerald eyes close at the words. He pictures a moment, of danger, worry or fear, and he can see it so clearly, that no matter what he must be beside him, he must be ready to help.  </p><p> </p><p>The darkness in this desert is really just in his closed eyes full of tears, and this, like any other labyrinth on this earth, must have an end too.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He raises his head up to the sky and even in his closed eyes he can feel the warm caress of the moon, asking him to open them. </p><p> </p><p>He wonders for a second if it's worth it to cross a desert on the sheer possibility of Shang needing him on the other side of it. </p><p> </p><p>And he answers so easily </p><p> </p><p>
  <i>Of course it is, it's him.</i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you enjoyed reading this fic! I wrote it fast with a lot of heavy thoughts in mind and even trying to edit it was very emotionally challenging so I decided to let it run wild as it is. I think that even if it touches heavy topics it is quite a hopeful fic and I felt it was a very necesary message for me to read at this time of my therapy process, this quarantine and my life to be honest. My biggest hope would be that this very small thing could help you or any other reader feel capable of crossing their own desert like Lang did. I love you and I wish I could've written more but I sincerely hope you liked it like this XD</p><p>if there are mistakes I apologize, english isnt my first language and I'm still learning!</p><p>Very special thanks to colorfulcharades for giving me strength through this part of my life. Thank you so much for everything you give me everyday.</p><p>AND THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR READING!!! I PROMISE THE NEXT ONE WILL BE BETTER!!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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